East Tennessean

Issue date: 4/16/07 Section: The Scene

Media Credit: Originals by sXc.hu photo illustrations by Morgan Akens Squirrels like this one are attacking students all over campus with their deadly acorn bombs.

Last fall, my first semester at ETSU, I noticed something about this campus. Yes, I noticed the difficult parking situation and the large amounts of homework, but I also noticed a small army waiting to attack the campus. This army may not be equipped with machine guns and aircraft, but I think they have found another sort of weapon. This weapon is acorns. Yes, you heard me correctly. I am speaking of squirrels.
They are cute little innocent creatures, or so I thought. These squirrels, I have learned, have Chuck Norris capabilities that are masked under an innocent little bodies and bushy tails.
My first experience occurred last fall as I was walking to class. My mind was absorbed in schoolwork and I became distracted by something small flying to the ground at my feet. I pushed this distraction from my mind and kept on walking past Gilbreath Hall. Within a few seconds, a second small object came flying past me. At this, I stopped and looked down only to find an acorn lying on the ground. I thought, "There is no way a squirrel did that!" You see, this acorn was not "dropped." It was thrown by a highly trained being. I looked up into the tree I was walking under, and to my astonishment, the acorn chucker had indeed been a squirrel.
As the months progressed, I always found myself watching these little animals running around campus. As my curiosity grew, I began asking other students if they had similar experiences, or if I was alone in this. In the words of Leslie Griffith, "I propose that instead of $175 added tuition to bring back football, we use this money to invest in acorn-blocking helmets." Josh Maples, ETSU student, said, "I was attacked because I slightly, and accidentally, mind you, cornered one next to the bell tower and it kung foo'd itself onto my foot! I hope the guy that was standing behind me sees this because he couldn't stop laughing."
Stephen Matthews, a mass communication major, was eating lunch outside Burger King one day when he witnessed a hamburger theft. The accused: a squirrel. Matthews ranted about the acorn throwing, and also about the hissing noises these squirrels make in one of their territorial fits. "I don't feel like this is my campus … it's theirs," Stephen said.

Continued...

Page 1 of 2 next >

Article Tools